its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
