I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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