Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
