I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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