dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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