I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
