That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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