vagina is talking i cant
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
