We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
