Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
