There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
