Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
