Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
