and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
