Swine flu is the new snow day.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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