in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience