My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.