I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How external is "for external use only"?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH