You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
