i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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