My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
