There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
