Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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