wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
