yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
