Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
