Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
