mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
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