so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You've changed since you got that strap on
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
