I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
