My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
