the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
