i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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