dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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