I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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