So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
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Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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