I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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