Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
