The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
