got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
