Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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