im drinking this country out of the recession.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't deserve a penis
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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