i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
