Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
