I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize