FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
where are my eyebrows?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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