Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
