we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sober January is a disaster.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
