he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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