At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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