you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
