God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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