So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
