just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
