he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
