u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
