your thong is hanging out like whoa
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
